Deep From The Heart Core

I hate separation.
I don't understand why living in this world, why we have to separate??
Why we have to learn to separate??
Why we just can't stick together forever??
Why there's no eternity??
Even the sun that seems like always be there everyday, it will explode and disappear one day.

When I was young, the 1st separation I that felt pain was when my grandmother passed away. I still remember everyone was sad, some were crying, nobody was laughing; I still remember my grandfather was sitting at the darkest corner, eyes looking down.

Later, I made friends in kindergarten, but I didn't feel anything when we were about to separate to study in different primary schools. In fact, I felt happy because finally I was growing up. That's the only wish when I was young, to grow up. I believe every children has the same wish too. And I understand now why I wasn't sad, I think it was because when we were young, everything that mattered was our family, besides that, nothing else seems like ours.

But after my sis studied in KL, she would only be at home during weekend. I felt empty when I was sleeping alone on a double bed. I felt that something was away from my life. Worst when she flew to UK. I still remember the conversation between us days before she went.

"Will you cry in the airport?? I think I will." sis said
" I won't. And I know you won't too." I said

We didn't cry, at least the tears didn't roll out in the airport. But after that, i was crying like hell inside my blanket after I reached home. I just hate separation!

In Form 5, I knew that we were about to separate. It would be hard for us to study together anymore. So, I made myself to prepare for that day since April or even earlier. I've tried to appreciate every moment I had with my friends, tried not to miss a single gathering. So, when the day came, even I was sad, but still I managed to control my feelings better than I thought. What a shame if I couldn't after months of preparation for that.

Another thing that I don't like is a totally new environment, make new friends without any old friends beside you to go through together.

It's not that I don't wanna make new friends, but I don't know how to socialize. Especially when those new friends are so important in your new life.

In NS for 3 months, I knew a lot of friends. That's true. But, I think I was closer to only some of them, and it actually quite hard to fit in when they were with other gang. I didn't know why, maybe we didn't have the same frequency. Anyway, I just wished I could get out from there asap. Except for the last day, there was a thought flashed through in my mind that I wished the time would go slower. Just a while, though.

Then I had my college life in HELP. Same thing happened. I was afraid to that totally new environment and faces. For the 1st week, I didn't feel that I belonged to there. I tried to recall the feelings I had on my first day in kindergarten, primary or even secondary. But, I forgot. I think maybe I was still young at that time. I didn't aware of the new environment. Or maybe, I didn't think too much. Pisces always think too much. But luckily for me, I found myself in HELP. I started to get along with things and friends around me. And I had a great time with all of them.
And now, I miss HELP so much, especially the people there.

But just 1 month, a call has changed my life, again. Thought I could settle down in HELP, but not anymore. I had to start all over again in INTEC. Again, I had the same feelings like my first week in HELP. I went to INTEC 2 days already. Maybe we all were just get to know each other, maybe the rules and regulations in INTEC were killing me, maybe I miss HELP, I felt like I was not happy there and doubted if I could even continue my life journey with them.

Maybe I'm too negative, maybe I think too much. But, I just can't help it. This thought has torturing my mind for days. I don't know who to share with, but write it down in my blog, hoping someone out there can give me some support. I'm not a strong person. I'm not a happy-go-lucky type of person. I laugh with you. I can be 38 or crazy with you. But you will never know what I do when I am alone.

Now, there's another important stage in my life. I have a very important interview next Tuesday. If I pass, then I'll fly over to FRANCE in 31th May. But if I fail, will never know what's ahead.

But there's a problem. I wonder if I really wanna go to FRANCE. So far away from Malaysia, where my sweet home is, where my friends are, where I grow up. It's always been my dream to study overseas. But when the chance's here, I doubt.

I know I should try my very best for that interview. Because if I don't do so, my parents who have sacrificed their time to prepare everything for me, who have put their high hope on me, will feel disappoint. And there's no turning back for me, as I've withdrew from HELP.

But, honestly, I chose FRANCE when I applied JPA was because my mum asked me to. That time, I din't think so much. I knew I had to learn another language, so?? Even when my parents tried to change the country for me after JPA interview, I reassured them that I don't mind. Even when my mum said she didn't want me to regret and blamed her for asking me to choose FRANCE later, I said I won't. When I was convincing others that it's ok for me to go FRANCE, I was actually convincing myself too.

But now, I'm not so sure anymore.

Looking at the FRENCH, I was like "wth". I don't really like languages, even Chinese, English or Malay, the languages that I've learnt since young. That's why I scared languages the most in SPM. (giggle). I doubt if I can study well on something that I don't really feel interesting. Worse if I can't catch up the syllabus in engineering in FRANCE. What is so wrong to use English, French people?? Anyway, it's too early for me to say so as I haven't even start my FRENCH class now.

Besides, 7 years in FRANCE?? I wonder if I have that strong will. Living in KL, for the past 1 month, I already felt sad to leave my home and my lovely room. Now, there's a question in my mind, "Why I didn't just choose engineering but FRANCE engineering??"

Ok! Maybe I've judged everything too early. I just went there 2 days, just knew them for 2 days. I needed a week in HELP, so...I think too much.

But with everything in my mind now, how can I prepare my interview well.

What if I fail?? I can't go back to HELP, after what happened in the office that day. I don't want to go matrix. Then??

Oh gosh! Hope somebody will pop out and say," Hey, you silly girl! What a shame you have thoughts like that!" Or something like that.